The "specialness" factor

When I was in teacher training and throughout my career as a teacher, it was prevalent to encourage teachers to encourage the uniqueness of each student.  It was the "You're special" factor that was always encouraged.

I think it's common sense.  We all want and need to feel special, to have our "brand" of person affirmed and approved.  We need to feel loved.

Over the years of speaking to clergy sex abuse survivors, I have been horrified at how many times I have heard of the distortion of "specialness."

"You're my special boy (or girl)."
"We won't tell anyone about our special love."
"I do these things to you because you are special."

The mantra goes on and on as the pedophile puts the child or teen in a death grip or conflicting emotions.  The victims hates the actions but is caught because he or she is being told by someone who is supposed to be protective and good and responsible and an adult.  In other words, life experiences are not complete enough for the child or teen to comprehend the evil that is happening.

Ultimately the victim is caught accepting blame for what has happened.  The pedophile walks away unscathed.

I am very careful about telling anyone they are special.  Too often it evokes pain and not happiness.  All because a powerful adult used those words to excuse the crimes of sexual abuse against the defenseless.